The Life and Mind of Kakuzu
by Tobi-Is-Fluffy-Chan
Summary: We all know Kakuzu of the Akatsuki: Stoic, Solemn, Foul-Mouthed, Loves Money and much more that you can't even begin to imagine. Ever wondered what he was thinking? This is a life and a day with Kakuzu and how he see's the world and the Akatsuki. Told in his P.O.V! ONESHOT! Rated for crude humor, language and much more! We finally get a look into the mind of Kakuzu! Very Humorous!


**Hey people! It's oneshot time!**

**This is a Kakuzu(I loveeee him) oneshot. This is the life and mind of Kakuzu!**

**Rated for Hidan's mouth, Kakuzu's swears, the extreme CRUDE HUMOR, Adult themes and suggested themes. Including Hidan's vocabulary! (I wonder if all of that fits under the rating of T...)**

**And when I say Adult themes, I dunn mean lemon! Just the talk! Haha!**

_**Italics means Kakuzu's thoughts!**_

**This is told from Kakuzu's POINT OF VIEW!**

**Enjoy!**

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**Written By: Kumi-chan/Tobi-Is-Fluffy-Chan**

**Starring:**

**Kakuzu**

**Hidan**

**The Rest of The Akatsuki**

**And extras!**

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**Disclaimers: I do not own the sexay and amazing Kuzu' nor the hot and sexay Albino Bunny or the awesome and Kickass Akatsuki or Naruto and his world! Praise Kishimoto-sempai for making this! Kishimoto-sempai owns! NOT ME!**

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The sounds of loud crashes and small squeals echoed throught the whole entire Akatsuki base.

**Kakuzu's Point of View**

_"What the fuck is all that damn noise?"_

My eyes snapped open and I sat up. Glancing up at the ceiling and then to the wooden door that separated my world from all of that fucking _insanity_, I glared my jade-colored eyes. I stood up out of the bed, towering over the dressor and vanity table that stood against the wall in my room. **(Kakuzu's the Second tallest Akatsuki member; Kisame the first tallest)**

Extending my arm to reach for the brush, I grasped it and started to brush my dark brown, shoulder length hair.

All of a fucking sudden... There was another crash.

_"Damn! Can't even get prepared for the day up in here. Fuck!"_

I dropped the brush back on the wooden dressor and opened the door separating **My fucking World from All of **_**this **_**Insanity. **Ducking out the door and walking down the dim-lit halls of the Akatsuki base, I stopped at the scene laid out before me.

How annoying this day was about to get!

It was none other than that _idiot _who was a poor fucking excuse for an immortal and who also happened to be my Akatsuki partner. He was wrestling with that annoying and hyper-active _fool _who wore the orange mask.

I glared at the two of them, hissing, "What the fuck are you doing?"

That "albino" idiot gave me a grin and grasped that three bladed scythe of his. He cackled, "Oi! Morning Old Fucker!" I made sure to scowl at him for that one, "Tobi wanted to see how my fucking awesome scythe worked! But I said _hell naw_! And then he started clingin' on to my well toned and sexy legs!" He explained, slicking back his "silver", which I like to call gray, hair.

The fool stood off the ground and whined, "Tobi is a good boy!" That fucker... "He just wanted to hollllddddd~ it and play assasin with it! Tobi didn't do anything wrong!"

I face-palmed at that annoying voice of his.

"You want to know what I think?" I modestly asked, cracking a small smile. With all of this damn ruckus, I didn't even have time to put on my fucking mask. The fool clapped his hands and pranced around, chiming, "Yes! Tobi wants to know! Tobi wants to know!"

I took a deep breath and then glanced at him, seething, "I think Tobi should shut the fuck up."

I then turned to Hidan and ranted, "It's not even fucking eight o' clock in the morning and you choose to make all of this noise. So fucking silly. I feel sorry for the bastards who had to deal with you in the past."

Hidan narrowed his eyes and stuck his middle finger up at me. "Oh shut the fuck up! You remind me of a old stuck up bitch that I killed back then... Always bitching about being silly and that 'Who Raised You to Act Like That' bull-shit that she'd go on about. Heh, so I sacrificed her ass to Jashin-sama... Ya' know what I think?" That fucker went on and on. "I think all of you old fuckers are the same and- - -"

My ears started to ring from his annoying voice. That was it. I used my threads to wrap around his neck and I threatened, "Say another fucking word and I'll sew that big mouth of yours. Shut." Releasing the threads from around his neck, I watched his face morph into a pout and he crossed his arms over his chest, glaring at my feet.

Hmph!

_... "Was I too hard on that idiot...?"_

_"Fuck no! He got what he deserved... That fucker will be back to annoy the shit out of me."_

I can't believe I just thought that...

I waled into the kitchen and took out a bag of sake flavored coffee beans, cream and sugar. I then started to boil the beans while mixing in the sweetners, cream and sugar as well. I usually started my day with a cup of coffee and a look into a daily newspaper from Takigakure.

Picking up the newspaper, while drinking my coffee was the only other peace I got around here... Hopefully later on tonight I would be able to count cash in peace...

Minutes later, I glanced at the clock.

It was **8:57 am**... Right on time too.

*crash*

*Boom! Kaboom!*

_"Sounds Expensive..."_

"I'll fucking get you, yeah!" I heard. It sounded like the blonde kid, Deidara.

"Shut the fuck up and smell my fart!" Only one person would say that. Hidan.

He ran into the kitchen and flashed me a toothy grin.

_"What the fuck did he do now..."_

Hidan started to laugh nervously anf scratched the nape of his neck.

"Hey... Uh, Kuzu' old pal! You know that antique shit that Leader-sama had laying around...? Well, Deidara got mad cuz' I was calling him a pussy..." Hidan knew how much I despised that word... But his ass didn't care. "And then I called him a dick-head, so he chased me around and threw that clay-shit at me. But you know I'm all awesome and shit, so I ducked and evaded his shitty-ass attacks and the antique shit went boom... I need money to replace it before Leader-sama gets here."

I rolled my eyes and clicked my tongue in annoyance. I was right. It did sound expensive. Hell, it _was _expensive.

"How much you need?"

"How much you got?" He _dared _to ask.

I face-palmed and snapped, "Hidan, what the fuck you want?"

"Alright, just give me 20,000 ryo and we'll call it a day." He espied.

I sighed heavily and took out all of my wallets. (Over 15 of them)

"Damn Kuzu'! What are ya'? A walking bank?" Hidan teased, resting his hands on his hips.

"Unlike you, I save and I know how to manage money." I simply retorted, examining the contents in my wallets. "Saving shit is for noobs and fuckers." He sassed back.

I pinched my temples and sighed once more. "Shut up so I can count."

I took out all of the money in my brown, leather wallet which was a fat stack of green. Hidan's eyes widened and his mouth literally hit the floor. I started to count the money, right in front of him.

_"100, 200, 300, 400, 500, 600, 700, 800, 900, 1000..."_

For ever dollar(which happened to be all 100 dollar bills) I licked my finger and flipped through the stack of cash. Taking the moeny and holding it out, I concluded, "That's 5000 ryo. Take it before I change my mind."

Hidan snatched the money from me and stuffed it in his pocket. "I asked for 20,000; not 5000! C'Mon Kuzu'! That's my ass if Leader-sama finds out!" I simply shrugged my shoulders and stood up from my seat. "I'm going to go finish preparing for the day. And yes, I am leaving my wallets right on the counter. You touch any of **my **fucking money and that's your ass. And I know how much is in **each **wallet." I told him, leaving the kitchen and heading back to my room.

Hidan gave me a "Pssh" and started to whistle, staring at the ceiling.

_"I meant what I said."_

"La! La! La! La! La! La!" Tobi sang.

"Hiya Hidan! Tobi just wanted to say hi!" He chimed.

Hidan put his index finger to his lips and 'shushed' Tobi.

"What are you and Tobi doing? Playing the quiet game? Is Tobi and you going to be secret anbu or spys like Mr. Plant Man?" Tobi whispered.

"Damnit! Tobi shut the fuck up... I'm gonna' take some cash from Kakuzu, be the look out!" Hidan murmured, glancing around the corner in search for Kakuzu.

"Take money from Mr. Kakuzu? Tobi advise you not to do that! Mr. Kakuzu knows EVERYTHING! Plus, he has scary eyes with no pupils! And Mr. Kakuzu is so tall! Tobi knows Mr. Kakuzu will know about it and make you get hurt! Mr. Kakuzu scares Tobi... And he- - -"

Hidan interuppted Tobi and cackled, "Pssh! I got MIND CONTROL OVER KAKUZU."

"Really?" Tobi curiously asked.

"Kuzu' be like, '_Hidan. Shut the fuck up'..._ And I be quiet... Then when he leave... I be talkin' again..."

"Wooooowwww! Tobi wants mind control too!"

"Shut up, Tobi!" Hidan whispered in a hushed tone.

_"Fucking mind control over me, eh? Like I already know. Hidan's a fucking idiot."_

Hidan started to slowly walk over to the counter where my wallets rested. He reached his hand out for one but a familiar voice stopped him. "Hidan. What do you think you're doing? You know it's not right to steal from others." Said Leader-sama.

Hmph. Leader-sama. If I ran the Akatsuki, we would be all about money. Cabbage. Cheese. Moola. Green. Dead Hokages. (Dead Presidents) Cash. Chedder. Dollars... We would be on a fucking wild goose chase after the Tails... But still, after we rule the world... I will be the richest man alive!

_"Getting caught up in my fucking Life Philosophy... Shit."_

"I wasn't stealing, Leader-sama! I fucking borrowed! And I would return!... In a couple of years or so..." Hidan explained to him. I walked out of my room and gathered my wallets. Leader-sama frowned at Hidan and ordered him to apologize to me.

Ha! That fucker...

He mumbled the words, "Sorry Kuzu'..." And glared at the cherry-wood floors. Leader-sama nodded his head and smirked, now glancing at me. "Kakuzu and Hidan. I am sending you on a mission to the Hidden Sound to gather the lost shards of the Sealing Antique vase, you broke, Hidan. There are apparently, two in existance. So you two must gather shards and bring them back to me by night-fall." I nodded my head, but inside I was thinking:

_"Fuck! This some Mickey-Mouse Bull Shit..."_

_**Forest**_

"I can't believe Leader-sama's sending us on a jashin-damn mission for some shitty pieces of a jashin-damn vase. This is true fuckery!" Hidan complained.

Of course, his lazy ass ALWAYS complained.

"Hidan?"

"What Kuzu'?"

"Shut the Fuck up."

*Silence*

"I'm gonna' go scout out the forest to see if there are any anbu or ninja near-by." I announced to the pouting and silent Jashinist.

Sprinting off, I could hear Hidan start to talk again. "See Jashin-sama! I told you I had MIND CONTROL over the bitchy old man!"

I rolled my eyes once.

_"What a Dumb Fuck. Mind Control... Eh?"_

**Hidden Sound**

"I never thought that I'd have to be back in such a shitty place." Hidan complained for the second time.

"Shut up and look around for shards or whatever Leader-sama wanted us to find." I ordered. He shrugged his shoulders and continued to walk on.

Otogakure was live and bustling for once. I wonder what the occasion was. Many shops were open and many people were walking, chatting and doing shit.

I stopped when I saw a poster of a vivacious women. She wore nothing but scanty clothing and it said that she was in town today. Doing a live show. I thought for a second and then took out my bounty book.

Skimming down the list and looking for the name 'Lovely Ami', I found her name... And her head's worth. My eyes widened and I smirked evily under my mask.

500,000,000,000 ryo. For the head of this bitch... Interesting.

Hidan came back seconds later, holding a few shards in his hands. "I snagged this from a group of old cock suckers. Looks like the old fuckers are carrying this shit around." He told to me. His pinkish eyes then flickered to the bitch on the poster and those orbs of his lit up in his perverted fascination.

I rolled my eyes when he asked, "Who's the sexy broad?"

I shrugged my shoulders and kept on walking. Hidan didn't stop at that though.

"C'Mon Kuzu'! Tell me! I wanna take that bitch and turn her inside out!"

_"Fuck Hidan and His crude fucking sense of humor and his fucking dick."_

"Kuzu'... You won't tell me because you want to bang her yourself, don't cha!" He dared to say.

I halted on walking and turned around snapping, "No. If you fuck the bitch, you'll kill her. He head's worth 500,000,000,000 ryo. She's worth more if we bring the bitch in alive. Shut the fuck up and gather those damn shards and I may split some of the money with you."

The Jashinist thought for a moment and then blurted out, "Fine. But I want 50 percent."

I twitched and retorted, "Out of the fucking question."

We were about to get into a arguement (As usual) but some sappy looking bitch came crying to us.

"E-Excuse me! Have you seem my son around? *sniffle* He hasn't come home yet!"

I turned around and looked down at the female snapping, "Look bitch. One, obviously if the brat's not coming home, he's either dead, about to be killed by me or he's a fucking dumb fuck like this guy over here." I pointed to Hidan and continued, "Two, what the fuck do I look like looking after some shit-head? Three, if I'm not getting paid, then me and you have no fucking business. Four, Shut the fuck up with that damn whining. Not my fault you lost the brat. And five, do we even fucking KNOW you? Don't come interuppting our fucking coversation about some brat. I. Hate. Kids. Can't you see I'm already surrounded by a fucking three year old with a foul mouth, whose dick is where his head is and whose trapped in a 20 year old's body? Damn."

The woman sat there with an astonished look on her face and she stood still like a frozen block of ice.

_... "Looks like I went overboard... Good."_

"Hidan, let's get this shit over with and complete this mission. My feet hurt and I have a desire to count cash. All of that money I'm gonna' get... Just for that one bitch..."

...

Kakuzu's expression:

~($_$)~

**Akatsuki Base**

I came back with two brief-cases in my hands and Hidan carrying the refurbished vase.

Today was a long day. We were greeted by the other Akatsuki members and Leader-sama.

"I see you completed your mission." He articulated.

"No shit!" Hidan sassed.

The woman of the Akatsuki with blue hair gave that fucker a smack on the head and scolded, "Watch how you speak to Leader-sama."

Hidan glared and rubbed the side of his head that had gotten hit.

Hmph.

After our mission evaulation, I headed straight for my room and popped opened the two breif cases. Those jade-colored eyes of mine glowed with delight.

_"Like I always fucking say. Another day, another billion dollars."_

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**Well, that's that. What did ja' think? I had this in my mind for a while... Plus it was a dream haha!**

**And you know, Kakuzu right! Just like him. **

**Lol, please review!**

**Thanks for Reading!**

**Kumi-Chan/Tobi-Is-Fluffy-Chan**


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